Before I search into my 'mental archives', I must state this stuff is NOT all mine, and I'm NOT goin' to identify the perpetrators. However I will say Mullethead has spent some time south of the Mason Dixon line, and did leave with a few issues here and there. I tried to spell phonetically what that individual said, when those 'works' come up. Onyhoo, here goes:'
*********************************************************************************************
Can y'all like imagine, like axin' this o' yo, like fizzics teacha?
"Yo! If ya ignore the heat in the centre o' the planet, and like manage to like drill a big hole all the way through, and ya jump in, what 'appens? Do ya like slow down and float when ya hit the centre, 'cause ya got gravity pullin' at ya the same in all directions, or do ya jus' pick up enough speed an' velocity to keep yo' ass goin' and ya shoot into space after ya come out the other end, and what is terminal velocity in a sitcherashon like that?"
***
A thought:
If I advertised on Craigslist that I wanted a nose hair coat, and would pay anything, would I start a crime spree of people getting attacked and held down whilst someone forcebly performs a nose hairectomy on them?
Hmmmmmm. Interesting experiment to try.
(Oh, why did I post this?!)
***
Wouldn't it be fun to wear a 'NUKE THE VATICAN' T-shirt to a Raspy Tongue (Cat lick, ya know?) church service?
(Love to push those buttons, huh? Not that any of us are friends of the Vatican or the Church. They've done and still do so much damage.)
***
A new form of child abuse.
Get the wee sprog to react violently to the concept of getting their nose licked. Tell 'em it's worse than getting hit by a phosphorus bomb, and show 'em the pictures on the web. Every once in a while, one parent pretends to be mad at the other, drags 'it' into the bedroom, slams door shut, makes really loud slurping noises, while the other screams like its being subjected to 'the pear of anguish', or 'Catherine's wheel', or some other nice, mutilating torture device. Then after it's over, nose lickee comes out in tears or something. . .if you can control your laughter, that is.
So never actually do it, but when the kid acts up, threaten to lick their nose either then and there, or when they get home. Then watch as they react in terror at the concept. Then tell all their friends what you did to them when they're teenagers.
***
Missionary madness. When they come to the door, just tell you're Pagan (oughta say a Heathen), you already got your gods, and you ain't changin'. Or tell 'em you're a Satanist, baby sacrificing cannibal, and you don't wanna change religions, but wanna come over for dinner?
***
Wear a END THE FED or AUDIT THE FED T-shirt to a tax processing job.
***
Ye gods, I love it, but I can't stand making it. I look like I've just been through a food fight, not to mention the kitchen looks like something exploded. Kimchee!
So, into my head pops this image of me throwing all the ingedients into a small barrel outside somewhere, and violently attacking it with a plunger?
No?
I didn't think so, but what a sight, huh?
***
A jury duty call concept. What if it was a chick who was being tried for microwaving her kid?
Of course, I'd be all enthusiastic. "Oh wow! Awesome, but I gotta admit I CANNOT be impartial. I mean, there's no way I could convict, being I might be inclined to do the same if I had any. I mean, what else are they good for? Honey, DIN-DIN!!!!!!!!"
(OK! I GOTTA ADMIT IT! MULLETHEAD IS THE CANNIBAL JOKESTER WHO ALSO DOESN'T THINK TOO HIGHLY OF CHILDREN. . .I MEAN CROTCH DROPPINGS AS MULLETHEAD GENERALLY CALLS THEM (And that's one of the 'nicer' terms.))
Aye! I refuse to have me or my mentor blamed for this. We rather like children, though NOT on a plate.
***
So tells me:
IF YA SHOWS ON' O' DEM DAR WAHABI RABBIS (Technically Rabbiyim, but with this affectation, I prob'ly shoulda spelled it 'Rabies'.) ON' O' DEM DAR QURAN THINGIES AND TELL 'IM TA SHOWS YA WHERE IT SAYS CHICKS CAN'T DRIVE, WHAT'S 'E GONNA TELLS YA???????
P.S. If I go public with THAT, will my my life span be shortened to something reasonable, like maybe a couple more hours?
***
WE MUST REMEMBER WHERE EGGS COME FROM!
I mean, think about it while you're havin' that next omelette, huh? The physiology of it all?
PUSH!!!!!!!!! Forceps please!
***
Ever wonder why plants don't get fat when ya overfertalise 'em?
***
No, I don't have children. I consider them an inconvenient liability. Kinda like straight sausage casings. . .I mean men.
(I SWEAR! If that thing calls me a sausage casin' again. . .)
***
(Not anymore she ain't. This was life amongst the 'mortal flotsam garbage'. This is an oldie before my time.)
Yeah, I'm celibate. If anyone asks why, I'll tell 'em! I think interactive vibrators with minds of their own are more trouble than they're worth.
Now is that worse than callin' 'em sausage casin's, or is that worse than callin' e'm sausage casin's?
***
I saw somethin' about 1 million baby slings bein' recalled on CNN Money. I figure if you're gonna use a sling, a rock would be more efficient. I mean they can be smaller and lighter so you can sling them further, and the are less malleable, so you can do more damage. I mean, accordin' to myth, David wiped Goliath with a rock not a baby. Sheesh! Why do they even sell the things?
***
A NEW CUT DOWN:
If someone is being annoying, ask them, "Shouldn't you be on stryofoam under some plastic wrapping already, and next to the lamb chops at A & P, or something?"
***
When applying at a hospital for a data processing job, Should ya tell 'em at the interview, "I promise NOT to sing 'Another One Bites The Dust' on company grounds?
***
Next time someone invites me to a barbeque, I'm gonna ask:
"Cool! Who's on the menu?"
Of course, they're gonna say, "What? WHO'S on the menu? I'm grillin' up some steaks, dude!"
And I'm gonna say, "You mean you're actually cookin' up an animal? No way, man! I mean, I belong to the Church Of Euthanasia! You know? Eat people not animals? I'd NEVER go to a barbeque where animals are on the grill. I mean, how low can you go?!"
***
Remember the Gong Show days? The Unknown Comic? If that Hate Bill passes, does that mean we can go to jail for calling him a Baghead?
***
OK! When I do something I don't like doing, I call it work. Preferably, I'd like to be compensated when I 'work'. Now, there is something I absolutely must do that I really can't stand doing, but I have never been compensated for it in my entire life. This is emptying the bladder and intenstines. I'm sick of it!
If I don't get paid for it the next time I do it, I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Just TRY it baby!)
***
Something to say in church after a specific lecture:
Turn the other cheek, huh? So ya want me to moon ya?
***
This is what too much TV does to writers:
(And I haven't had a TV connected in years.)
THE SPACE COWBOY VERSUS COMET ELVIRA
"Ground Control to Major Clem. Come in, Major Clem."
"Ah'm a'raaaght heah standin' on top o' the moon, Colonel Nelson. I see 'er a'comin', and Ah'm ready fer 'er."
"Good. If you can catch her, it ought to save us a fortune on fuel costs and building materials. Why waste the money if you can see the ends of the galaxy for free."
"She's a'gettin' closer. Ah gots me ma rope out. She's a long 'un, but 'er circumference ain't much. Dem dar mathy-maticians blow ma mand (mind). The saddle 'ill prob'ly fit lak (like) a glove, and I ain't talkin no O.J. Simpson."
"Keep in touch, and let me know your progress."
"She's abayout on me, Colonel Nelson. Headed raaaaaght fer me. I got 'er, I got 'er, YEEEEEEE
HAWWWWWWWWW, I GOT 'ER!"
"You got the lasso around her neck?"
"Yeah, and I'm gonna get on 'er. . .oh no! She's a'buckin'! She too big fer me to pull 'er in an' get the saddle on 'er. . .Oh no! She be lookin' at me, an' I don'' like the look in 'er eyes!"
"Major Clem, are you all right?"
"She be a takin' off. I'm out in space, racin'. . .OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE BE TURNIN'"
"Major Clem! Tell us exactly what's happening."
"I gots mah rope 'round 'er neck, I'm on 'er back, but she's wilder 'n' any bronk I evah rode. I don'' know if I'm gonna surviiiiiive this, Colonel Nelson. Uh, can I call ya Tony?"
"Off the record, Major Clem. Yes. For now."
"She be headed back to da moon, and we's a'goin' maaaghty fayaaast. She gonna try ta ditch me."
"Just keep talking."
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! She headed raaaaght fer the ground! We's gonna crash. Ah'm gonna daaaaaaaah!
"Can you hold on a moment while we cancel your life insurance policy first, Major Clem?"
"WHO CAYAS (cares)?! AH GONNA BE FLATTER 'N' A FLAPJACK IN SECONDS!"
"You still there, Major Clem?"
"Yeeeyahs. She done stop short, and I went over 'er 'ead, laaaaak (like) ya do on a baaak (bike) when's ya only use da front end brayyyakes. Ah guess this heyah (here) missions a failya."
"We'll try it again, but next time we'll send you up with a bridle."
"Okee-dokey."
***
SOMETHING FUN TO DO IF YOU TEACH THIRD GRADE:
Make the little buggers read Jabberwocky, and write an essay on what it means to them. Play it totally straight, like it's a serious project.
Hey, and do it with 7th graders and 10 graders too to see how dumb we've gotten.
Unfortunately, with my psychological make-up, I would have probably tried to actually do the assignment at the times listed above.
***
Imagine tryin' to pick up a sausage casin' like this:
Yo! Can I borrow you once before you lose the rest of your hair?
***
DAMMIT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
I dunno. They gots themselves some annoyin' habits. Like it they gots themselves some o' dem dar land mine detec. . .I mean childrun? They likes feels like obligated to share 'em wid everybody. WELL I DON' WANNA SEE 'EM, OK?
So Ah tells a buddy o' mine that the next time someone pulls out der wallet, I'm gonna tells 'em, "UNLESS YO CHIL' LOOKS LIKE JOHN MERRICK OR SUMTHIN', I DON'' WANNA SEE IT, OK?"
Anyways, my buddy tells me, "Don'' do that. I gots a betta idea."
I axed, "What is it?"
My buddy says, "Let 'em shows ya they' pictures, then you pulls out a picture of a hamburger, and tells 'em 'This here's a picture of what's left o' mine. He was delicious, I tells ya.'"
***
I wonder if the illegality of cannibalism is linked to economics. After all, if you eat your wayward child; you will no longer have to spend thousands of dollars a year supporting it, and you take money away from the cattle and sheep ranchers, and the factory farms raising pigs, chickens and turkeys. Can't have everybody raising their own livestock now, can we? No money exchanged, no taxes paid, etc. . . Makes you wonder.
***
The next time you're on an elevator with someone, ask, "Remember that flick, The List Of Adrian Messenger"?
If they look like they're old enough to have seen it, anyway.
***
I subscribe to e-mails from about.com geography guide. I got one this morning that said the U.S. had a huge baby boom, so I had to respond:
Brilliant move when we're on the verge of a complete economic implosion. The human race is delusional when it thinks it's the most intelligent animal on the planet. It seems like the only thing we're good for is exploiting and destroying all that is.
On the other hand, what were the Chinese famous for in the famine years? (Got any rice with those baby back ribs?)
****
NOAH'S TOILET
Oh gawd, I felt awful. I'd eaten way too much, and I knew I was going to pay when I ate it; but it was so good I couldn't help myself. I'd had a huge plate of uber spicey take-away Thai food, and a half a tamarind bar for dessert. I knew I'd get the runs later, I knew the peppers coming out would hurt like hell; but I had no idea what I was in for.
It was 1:00 A.M.. I'd eaten so much that I passed out after my meal. In fact, I'd eaten so much; I'm surprised I hadn't exploded. Now I had to get rid of either some of what I'd eaten, or something to make room for what I'd eaten. I felt like if I didn't get to the loo in the next minute, I was going to have an accident.
I turned on the hall light, the bathroom light, and groggily sat down on the toilet; roused from my deep, precious sleep by the call of the intestines.
There was a lot, and it came out fast and easy. I knew it would be a messy clean-up job, but then the unimagineable happened.
The toilet started gurgling.
Gods, was it going to flush itself from what I just did?
Well, whatever. I didn't like the sound of it, and I stood up to look at what was going on.
Oh no!
The water! It was rising. It was acting like it was going to overflow, but I hadn't even flushed!
I grabbed the plunger, was about to lift the lid, but the lid snapped at me. Three times.
I backed off, and the water stopped right at the brim. I couldn't put the plunger in without making a mess on the floor, and what a mess it would have been. Man, I didn't need this shit; having just woken up from a nice, deep sleep. Not that I wasn't wide awake now, but hey! Cleaning the bathroom floor of the mess I'd just gotten rid of was not something I wanted to do right now, if ever.
I didn't know what caused the lid to go up and down three times, but when I went to lift it again, I swear it tried to bite me. "What the. . ."
"Get away from you, you fat, disgusting slob!" came a voice that sounded hollow, and far away. Kind of like if I was talking to someone in a tunnel, a hundred yards away; or something. The voice was male, and it seemed to have a German accent.
Needless to say, I jumped. "Huh?"
"Man, I am sick of your abuse. You must have put on 30 pounds since you first moved here, but what you just did to me is inexcusable!!!!!"
I was stunned. "Who the hell are you, and where are you?"
"My name is Damon, and I am standing right in front of you, you clueless idiot."
"There is no one standing in front of me." If I hadn't been so taken by surprise, I suppose I may have been scared shitless by the circumstances if I didn't already. . .oh, never mind!
"You just downloaded the brownload on me big time, bitch. What do you mean, there is no one standing in front of you. And the smell of this one is about as nasty as you can get. I have HAD it with you!"
"A toilet is talking to me?"
The lid snapped again, and the water level went down a few centimeters. "No, the medicine cabinet is. Yes, a toilet is talking to you; you braindead moron. And you know something else? I refuse to take any more of your abuse. I don't get paid enough for this shit!"
"Can I at least wipe, and flush one last time?"
"NO! I QUIT!"
"What do you mean, you quit?!"
"Just what I said. English is my second language; being a Kholer toilet and all, and I know what 'quit' means. I will stop doing what I used to do, ya know? Retiring from this job?"
"You can do that?"
The lid snapped again. "Would you like to try and find out?" The toilet started gurgling again, and the water level rose to where it was before.
I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN QUIT! YOU CAN RETIRE! I'LL EVEN PAY YOU A PENSION! JUST DON'T OVERFLOW! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Nice of you to see things my way. And I would also like an apology, if you please."
"I'm sorry. Anything."
The lid snapped again. "Nice to have you see things my way, for a change."
"But can you please lower the water level? In fact, if you make everything go down, I'll clean you out if you like."
"That sounds pretty nice. Can you also clean the rest of me? Use a loofah sponge, and jasmine soap?"
"I guess so," I said.
"Oh, and take your time. Be real gentle. Treat me like one of your cats, you know?"
"OK, but I have to buy the sponge to-morrow. I don't have one on hand right now."
"You have all night grocery stores. You can go to one of those."
"I'll have to get dressed first, but can you flush yourself first without getting the sewer water all over the floor?"
"Oh, I suppose so." The water level went down, and then the flush mechanism activated itself.
The minute everything was as it should be, I turned the water off at the base of the toilet, wiped myself a number of times while throwing toilet paper in the loo, got a bucket under the sink after I pulled my skivvies up, filled it, and poured it down the toilet to flush the paper. I'd work on getting a grip of my new reality later.
Or so I thought.
The toilet snapped again. "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO BETRAY ME?"
I crossed me arms. "No! What?"
"I FLOOD THEM OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!!!! RUN, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!"
Even though the water was turned off, the toilet gurgled again, and even more malevolently than before. The water level rose again. This time, it went over the edge and onto the floor.
I ran from the bathroom. The water just kept coming, though. I grabbed my clothes, and ran from the house, and considering the house was flooding; the cats ran out with me. I managed to get dressed, and found I had to keep running, for the toilet ended up flooding the front yard.
The water came out faster, and faster. Eventually the whole town was flooded, and it still didn't stop. There was nothing anyone could do. The water crossed the county and state lines, and still it went. In a week, the entire world was under 50 metres of water, and all life ended, including mine.
All because I didn't clean the toilet with a loofah sponge and jasmine soap.
***
I HAVE A DREAM:
A vision of infinite awesomeness that is beyond reality. Imagine this! Queensryche finds all my lyrics!
Loogie Loogie! (Louie Louie) On The Rag Again! (On The Road Again) Temple Of The Raspy Tongue! (Owner Of A Broken Heart) Nose Wars! (White Room) Those Nostrils In The Sky! (Ghost Riders In The Sky) Snorfleen! (Jolene) A Luau Song! (A Christmas Song) Snorflin' Too Hard! (Pushin' Too Hard) Carry On My Wayward Nose! (Carry On My Wayward Son)
And they perform them! Straight faced, with all the passion of the originals. And they sell more copies than every musician of the past combined. And then I wake up.
Or should I see if I can e-mail Geoff Tate?
And here's what I'm postin' on:
ON THE RAG AGAIN
On the rag again
I just can't wait to be on the rag again
The life I love is drippin' madly with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the rag again.
On the rag again
Goin' on a rampage that I've never been
Goin' bolistic like you'll never see again
I can't wait to get on the rag again
On the rag again
Like a herd of rabid dogs if we go my way
We're goin' off again, amen
If ya'll wanna live, get outta our way
On this day
On the rag again
I just can't wait to get on the rag again
The life I love is drippin' madly with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the rag again
LOOGIE LOOGIE
It's gotta go.
Loogie Loogie,
It's gotta go.
A fine snot ball, phlem ammo for me.
Me spit the thing across for free.
It went ten feet, all alone.
I hocked Loogies all the way home.
Loogie Loogie,
It's gotta go.
Three nights and days I hacked with glee,
Spitting loogies constantly.
On my trip, my nostrils flared
My working nose, ever there.
Loogie Loogie,
It's gotta go.
My nostrils drip, like rain above.
Sinuses down my throat did shove
That vile salty liquid and then
I spit the damn thing out again.
Loogie Loogie,
It's gotta go.
THE LUAU SONG
Children roasting on an open fire.
Noozhlers nyipping at your nose.
Carthage carols being sung by a fire,
And folks dressed up in picnic clothes.
Everybody knows a rug rat. An alarming woe
That keeps one awake all night. (Once.)
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Basted with garlic butter lite.
They know that the cook's on his way.
He's loaded lots of poi. The Polynesian sway
Is the course to go, and you all know why.
Experience here for quite a good stir fry.
So I'm sitting here in a pleasant daze.
On kids from one to ten and two
I have quite well fed many times, many ways.
Happy feasting, happy feasting, happy feasting to you.
SNORFLIN' TOO HARD
You're snorflin' too hard, uh-snorflin' on me
You're snorflin' too hard, uh-what you want my nose to be
You're snorflin' too hard about the nose you blow
You're snorflin' too hard every night or so
You're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)
Well all my nose wants is to just be free
Flare my nostrils the way I wanna be
All I want is to just have fun
Blow my nose like it's just begun
But you're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)
Well, better flare, my girl and what I'm tellin' you
You better flare those nostrils, or we are through
You better stop all your snorflin' around
Stop your snot runnin' all over town
'Cause you're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)
Well I know there's a lotta nares in the sea
I know some would-uh snorfle by me
So if you don't think I'm gonna try
You better ask yourself when the snot runs dry
'Cause you're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)
Snorflin' too hard, pushin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard, pushin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard, pushin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)
NOSE WARS
In the nose wars, tongues get snotted; noses get licked.
It gets ugly, but it happens; no denying.
It's disgusting, never ending; it's a lost hope.
I have found it. Sanctuary, from the nose wars.
I'll wait in this place, in the Kingdom of Peace;
Wait in this place, where the nose lies down with the tongue.
You said no place, could exist here, without nose wars.
Tongues and noses, going at it, slurps and dribbles.
I walked into, such a big mess, in one battle.
Dodging mucus, flying spittle, and vile noises.
I'll wait in the place, where the snot never flies;
Stay with you, where the nose lies down with the tongue.
How it started, is beyond me, but it goes on.
Flaring nostrils, all are loaded; ready to blow.
Tongues defensive, taste buds ready, all to slobber.
I have had it. I can't take this. It must now end.
I'll go to the place, of the Kingdom of Peace;
Go to the place, where the nose lies down with the tongue.
THOSE NOSTRILS IN THE SKY
A young nosey went snorflin' out one dark and windy night
Upon a ridge it snorfled as its snot went on a flight
When all at once a lengthy trail of cow patties it smelled
The nosey couldn't see 'em, but it knew it would be felled
The stench set it on fire and the nose rolled on the ground
In agony, a'wondrin' if soon dead it would be found
A bolt of fear went through it as a wind came from the sky
For it saw two dark nostrils blowin' hard and blowin' high
Nyippie yi Ohhhhh
Nyippie yi yaaaaay
Those nostrils in the sky
Their septum gaunt, their nosehairs long, they're flarin' evermore
They're blowin' and they're snotin' like you've never seen before
They've got to blow forever in that hanky in the sky
A nose that's snorting fire and ever wonderin' why
As the nostrils blew over it the nose did hear a call
If you want to save your nares from me, best get on the ball
And nosey change your flares today or with me you will blow
Causing massive hurricanes far and way on down below
Nyippie yi Ohhhhh
Nyippie yi Yaaaaay
Those nostrils in the sky
Those nostrils in the sky
Those nostrils in the sky
CARRY ON MY WAYWARD NOSE
Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare no more
Once I rose above the wind and the mucus
Just to get a booger out of the ruckus
I was flaring ever faster
But I flared too fast
Though my nares could flare it still was a slow move
And my nose was bald so it couldn't quite groove
I hear the nostrils when I'm blowin'
I can hear them snort
Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare no more
Masquerading as a nose with nosehair braids
My charade was a flop of the decades
And if I claim to be a hairy nose
It surely means that I told a lie
On a stormy sea of wild snot and loogies
I'm told that I have no noogies
As I set a course for the Kevis
But I hear the voices say
Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare no more
No!
Carry on, you will always be unbraidable
Carry on, your nosehairs are unsavable
Reality ignores your false vanity
But surely a septum waits for you
Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare (don't you flare no more)
TEMPLE OF THE RASPY TONGUE
Groom yourself
You always lick your fur
Never thinking of who's looking.
Lick that fur
You are the glossy one
Take your chances with the hairballs
See yourself
See your reflection now
You and you - in front of that mirror
Shake - shake yourself
After those licks you take
So the kitty goes
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
A place for Cat Licks
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Say - you don't want to throw up
Those hairballs any more
Watch it now
The hairball in the sky
Will you ever escape the fate
You - lose yourself
Not for vanity's sake
There's no reason to be dirty
Be yourself
Give your barbed tongue a chance
You've got an instinctive need.
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
A place for Cat Licks
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
After your own graceful form
Yeah keep it in shape (Temple of the Raspy Tongue)
Your narcissm, never question it
Dear cat
In the end you always win
Keep that fur so clean (Temple of the Raspy Tongue)
And don't you hesitate at all - no no
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
A place for Cat Licks
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
A place for Cat Licks
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Temple of the Raspy Tongue
Sooner or later you'll puke again
Coughing up another hairball
It will repulse it will dry out
You'll feel better but again
It will leave you feeling empty
It will leave you feeling empty
It will leave you feeling empty
Just cough it up
SNORFLEEN
Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleeeeeen
I’m begging of you please don’t take my nose
Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen
Please don’t take it just because you can
Your nostrils flare like the Red Sea
Your nosehairs about cover me
With nose whiskers and snot of green
Your honks give an atmospheric ring
Your nostrils like a wind tunnel's plane
And I cannot compete with you, Snorfleen
It snores about you in its sleep
There’s nothing I can do to keep
From crying when it honks out your name, Snorfleeeeen
And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my nose
But you don’t know what it means to me, Snorfleen
Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleeeeeen
I’m begging of you please don’t take my nose
Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen
Please don’t take it just because you can
You could have your choice of noses
But I could never flare again
It's the only one for me, Snorfleeeeeeen
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Snorfleen
Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleeeeeen
I’m begging of you please don’t take my nose
Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen, Snorfleen
Please don’t take it just because you can
Snorfleen, Snorfleen
JIM DURANTE'S NOSE
Her nostrils have free will,
Snorfling a rose.
Her nares are never still.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
She'll turn her nostrils on you.
You won't have time to close
The door. A woe to rue.
She got Jim Durante's nose,
And she'll snot you.
She'll allot you
Enough to really repulse you.
She's antisocial, and aware
What harm can do a loaded nare.
She is standing in a combat pose.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
She'll bend you to her will.
Her nostrils never close.
She'll make you pay the bill
She got Jim Durante's nose.
She'll take your nosehairs from you.
Pluck you like chicken clothes.
Your pain will make you mew.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
She'll dribble on you, and wipe you.
She's no consideration for you.
She's obnoxious and quite aware
Of the power of her great nares.
She snores when she's in a doze.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
And she'll snot you.
She'll allot you
Enough to really repulse you.
She's antisocial, and aware
What harm can do a loaded nare.
She snores when she's in a doze.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
And she'll snot you.
She'll allot you
Enough to really repulse you.
She's got Jim Durante's nose
She'll dribble on you, and wipe you.
She'll snot you.
She's got Jim Durante's nose
(I gotta admit, this is all Mullethead's. She 'pretends' to live for noses. I. . .uh. . .hope.)
***
I'm obnoxious, I'm gruesome, and I'm proud of it. One thing I just love doin', is askin', "Wanna see a killer head shot?" and if they say yes, I bring up a site with a decapitated head.
That only works once.
***
Went to the CU today, and the teller (a total fox and a half) confessed to being the parent of two. Ya know how hard I had to fight not to say, "Oh! So you're a MILF!"
***
From now on when introducing myself, it is tempting to say:
"My twatplug bitch of an incubator is a Kraut, the sperm doner's an Albanian, and I'm Irish. You got a problem with that?"
(Again, my book series isn't 100 percent fiction.)
***
THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER:
Sonny, come heah and sits in ma lap. I gots a little sumthin' to tell ya.
Ya know, I've been underemployed fer the last three yea-ahs, and I ain't been able to buy yous all no Christmas toys. In facts, we ain't even had us a Christmas dinner, but this yea-ah it's gonna be differnt. You is gonna gets a present this Christmas, and we's all gonna git us a Christmas dinner.
Boy, ya know you's the youngust on' heah. Furthest from gettin' a job an' all, so this is what me an ma decided. You's gonna be the family dinner this Christmas, and yo' present from me and ma is that you get to pick how you're cooked.
***
This is raunchy, but as funny as hell. I also ain't gonna do it; but imagine you're at the biggrest company meeting of the year with CEO present. At the end, they always ask, "Any questions?"
So you raise your hand. "Is DVDA physically possible?"
***
Imagine a football game:
Team one: 2007 Krispy Kreme Calendar Girls
Team two: 2008 Krispy Kreme Calendar Girls
Man, even I'd pay to see that!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
THIS IS A TEST. . .
THIS IS ONLY A TEST. IF THIS WERE A REAL EMERGENCY, YOU WOULD NOT BE SEEING THIS, BECAUSE YOUR POWER WOULD BE OUT.
Remeber those emergency broadcast system thingies? I think my way is more realistic. Being we have no TV connected, we have no idea if they are still doing those. Are they?
***
Something to say on the 1st day of kindergarden in Dixie:
Pit vipers! I don't think they're the prettiest snakes on the planet. I don't really like the head shape that much, but I surely wouldn't want to kill even one. They are good varmint control. I mean, can you think of a better way to rid yourself of a small children than to throw them in a pond of cottonmouths?
Man, can you imagine the reaction?
***
OK! This has got to be one of the most anti-social, politically incorrect posts that has ever been done. I am also quite sick of continuing it. There will be more later. Perhaps even the next post, but for now, GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!
Whew!
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