Household Humour #3, If Ya Can Still Stand It

Post it, or listen to it.  That was my choice.  I think I'll post it!  Especially considering a certain someone can go painfully off key.

To: Do You Hear What I Hear

Said the veggie seller to the customer,
"Mya artechokas."
Yes, the veggie seller to the customer,
"Mya artechokas.
They're green.
They're green.
Go good with mayonaise,
And they take forever to boil.
Yes, they take forever to boil."

dum DUM.

Sorry.

***

Courthouse Humour:

No, this didn't happen. . .yet.

Jury duty interview:

Them: Do you believe in the death penalty?

Me: I don't believe in rewarding people for breaking the law. No, I don't believe in the death penalty.

Them: You think applying the death penalty is a reward?

Me: Yes. Then at least they wouldn't have to do jury duty.

***

More on Insensitivity Training 101:

School Shooting At Virginia Tech

A co-worker asked if I'd heard of what happened. I nonchalantly said, "Yeah."

He said, "It was 30 people."

(Actually, I thought it was 32, but whatever.) Of course I had to comment, "170 something (Last I heard, it was over 200, but that was all I knew at the time.) were killed in Baghdad. Those numbers are better, but they're still not worth ordering a pizza over."

***

Bring home a box of Clementine tangerines. Imagine if someone was sitting at the table, and everytime you grabbed one, sing that 'Oh My Darlin'' song, munching down the tangerine after 'lost and gone forever'. I mean during each and every tangerine, and start singing the minute you pick it up.

Oh yeah! Slightly off key, to make it more annoying.

***

Next time someone tells ya they're Roman Catholic, say, "So. . .you follow the religion of Adolf Hitler?"

***

Blow Jobs:  The Movie

90 minutes of people blowing their noses.

***

Imagine a chick introducing her new boyfriend to her father, as: "Hey, daddy-o. Here's my latest twat plug!  Or if it's a dude introducing his new bo. . .uh, never mind."

***

There are some stores that often ask if you want help out with your groceries, so one day when the clerk forgets to ask, you go:

"Aren't you going to ask me if I want help out with my groceries?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like some help out with that?"

"No!", and you walk off.

***

Imagine being named Catherine Lick. Going through life as Cat Lick?

***

Mao Tse Tongue

***

So, how do you feel about the concept of women and children first. . .(long pause). . .in a mine field?

***

Is the name 'Hank' pronounced 'Honk' in BBC English?

***

Talk to a buddy or sibling in front of your parents on what's grosser. Watching someone commit a bandsaw suicide or watching someone give birth. Have the other respond on the bandsaw suicide probably being more dignified, then come back with the scenario of commiting a bandsaw suicide 'WHILE' giving birth, and take it from there.

***

The Best Satanists Are Reformed Catholics

***

Got a letter from Kaiser Perm. after a switch to a new doctor. It said, "I look forward to being your personal physician, and helping you achieve your health goals."

I'd love to tell 'im, "Dude! My health goals are death. Can you do something about that on this visit?"

**************************************************


"Hey, sonny. What do you want for your birthday?"

"Ma, your picture would be plenty. Well, and maybe a dart board." 

***

GODS, I QUIT!!!!!!!  I CANNA TAK THIS ONYMAIR!!!!! ME ENGINES!  ME ENGINES ARE OVERHEATIN'!!!!!!!

Ye gods, I have about five times as many as I've already posted, but I swear if I'm here for another ten seconds, I am goin' to THROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will NEVER do anything like this again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!